I'm Tired...

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Yes, I am tired but not physically tired. Tired in my soul and tired in my heart. Don't worry as I'm not depressed. I'm just tired.

I am advocating for myself and for others like me. You may not be that person but I guarantee you will recognize someone you know in my description.

Please take a moment and read my words and consider taking action. The person that I am describing is there for others when they need support of any kind. They are volunteers. Very often volunteering themselves too much. They offer help and take care of things "behind the scenes". Quality friendships mean a great deal to them and they work hard to nurture those that mean the most.

You may never even notice what is happening, you just enjoy the benefits of their efforts. They put together groups and activities. They are the consument host. They like to make plans and give meaningful gifts. Often those gifts aren't "things" but thoughts, ideas, time, etc. It's very subtle but it's all-encompassing. And draining. You might not understand what effort it takes to be that person. And they can't help it as it's their nature to do it.

The reward of their efforts usually goes unrecognized or is recognized in the wrong way. They don't do it for public recognitions (although that is very nice and as a decent person you should do it anyway) or for payback. They do it because they want you to have a good life and they want to be a small part of the things that make your life good.

Ways that you can reciprocate or acknowledge and support this person (and you should) are many and varied. Give them the time that they need. It's not much I promise. Make them feel valued in their efforts by answering their text or email. Not just a couple of words either. I know that they put a little bit of thought in what they sent to you. Yes, we are all very short on time but honestly, technology has made things so much easier and faster we should really have MORE time don't you think? Why not spend some of that time on someone who spends it on you and your well-being?

Another thing that you can and should do is let them know when it's done. By done I mean the relationship. This kind of person will continue to beat that dead horse way past the point of any recovery. They instinctively believe that just one more connection will smooth the way to a clearer and purer relationship. If you aren't receptive it's devastating to them and they will only try harder further damaging what could maybe have been repaired. LET THEM KNOW IT'S OVER. In the age of relationships being carried out online for the majority rather than in-person, it's very easy to do "ghost" someone. That is where you just let them fade and your responses become further and further apart. STOP IT. Be an decent person and just let them know it's done or too much or whatever. Just let them know.

I fall squarely on both side of this situation. I am both this person and the recipient of this person's attentions. I have ghosted and been ghosted. I have gifted, arranged, volunteered and hosted. I fully understand what it means to be over-whelmed by this person and to over-whelm someone. I get it.

But right now I am tired. And I need. I also know there is someone in your life that is tired and also needs. Please acknowledge them. Fill their love tank or whatever needs to be done. You have benefitted from them and if you wish to continue to applaud their efforts and benefit, you need to take action of some sort. Reciprocate. It's like the partner that is loved well. They become the best, most beautiful version of themselves. This is all on you now.

Flowchart of My Life

Have you ever REALLY considered how you got to where you are? I don't mean physically but socially? Let me explain; the other day someone asked me how I knew a mutual friend. When I started to answer it occurred to me that it wasn't a simple answer at all. I gave the short answer, then clarified by backing up the little story and then backing up the story again.

~happenstance ~

"an event that might have been arranged although it was really accidental"

This is one of my favorite words. Whether you believe in a divine being, omniscient entity or fate, this word works for all of us. A great example of happenstance is wanting to meet a friend. When you contact them to meet - that is intent. When you run into them by chance - that is happenstance. I like to think of all of our meetings as happenstance.

Consider my recently formed relationships with a lovely, lively group of women.  Let's call them "Sisters". I have always been a person that has many acquaintances but few actually enter my personal orbit. I have always had a sort of wall that few people can get behind. These Sisters are my new tribe. Every single one of them is so special to me in charming and delicious ways.

I had been missing my last big group of friends so very much. We vacationed together. Celebrated life milestones together and I always felt that I had a close-knit group to rely on. For whatever reason, each one of us had drifted away. I have really tried multiple times to staunch that flow but nope, it just wasn't going to happen. It takes at least two people to maintain a relationship and I was the only one that stayed. It took a lot of effort on my part but I walked away and it's now left a giant-sized friendhole. 

Enter the Sisters.

Nineteen years ago I took a crappy job. I got the job through a woman that I met while practicing my grief counseling skills on a local group of newly divorced people. Data entry, cubicle, desk facing a window unit air conditioner. Eight hours a day I entered data, listened to the air conditioner and took lunch breaks alone. Four of us in that stuffy, beige room. If the phone rang, we each would race to pick it up and it became a game, which led to short conversation and eventual work friendships. One of the girls saw how lonely I was and very kindly invited me to go with her and some of her friends see this wonderful guitarist perform on campus. I went and that chance performance changed the direction of my life but many years later.

I'm not close with that co-worker any longer but I did remain a fan of the guitarist, catching a few of his local shows here and there. I took other friends to performances and sometimes went alone. Jump forward a until a few years ago when he started performing with a couple of other guys. I became friends with them and some of their wives and friends. In particular, I was introduced to a lovely woman that, in turn, introduced me to some of her friends and then invited me to become a "Sister".

Instant connections.

I wouldn't normally bond so tightly with a group of women. I'm not sure why but it's not happened up until now. But now it has and I am so very pleased. I've spent time with many of them and met others online (not in-person yet!) and have found such a rich, verdant relationship opportunity that I never thought possible. There really are wonderful people out there. Our differences and similarities only seem to strengthen the ties that we create. I am joyful and happy to have this opportunity and am looking forward to paying it forward by introducing my friends to my new Sisters. Who knows what kind of sparks might occur?

Two Falls Ago...

Allow to me to set the scene: I'm walking across campus on this gorgeous Fall day. Slight breeze, leaves, Holiday decor etc. I spy, in the distance, an extraordinarily handsome man. Not the usual collegiate or academic I normally see. As we come closer to one another I notice a few details; fantastic suit, perfect hair and BEARD, even better looking up close. He catches my eye and ever so slightly grins and winks at me. My heart catches as we pass one another. I can still smell his cologne...

Then I realize I'm probably old enough to be his mother

*sigh*

Aging, Schmaging...

Dear David Bowie,
I so wish you had been able to age into a graceful, interesting old age. You were a whimsical and curious young man and even better into middle age. Such a shame.

I rarely think about aging until someone "walks on". I prefer saying "walks on" to "passed away" or plain ol' "died". It makes it seem as if they are merely on another plane of existence and not truly gone.

My own current age is 51. That sounds both ancient and young to me. It depends on the viewpoint. I can remember when my Granny was 51. She was OLD. A friend recently passed away at 51 and was YOUNG. I'm in denial about my own age. I hope that I have the energy and spirit of a younger person but I'm not so vain as to think that I appear years younger than my actual age. I'm okay if I look 51 - I earned it. I just don't want to look any older.

I feel as if I am only recently maturing. That's a whole different topic than aging. I am realizing that I have a lot to make up for retirement savings-wise, health-wise and wishlist-wise. I've been in  suspended animation for the past 15 years or so and have very little memory of what I did in my mid-thirties to late forties. That's weird I know. I also have other blank spots in my memory but that's a topic for another day. If anyone reading this knew me during this blank time period, please refresh me!

I think going back to college after a hiatus may have contributed to my skewed ageism. Also, not having kids or some of the other "normal" life markers might have lent a wonky perspective. Having acquaintances in all age groups is healthy don't you think? I work with lots of "millennials" (God luv em') and then older, retirement age faculty. I have dated in all age groups too. I wouldn't settle down with someone too far outside my own age-range but you never know.

On most days my energy age is around 30-ish. After mowing my lawn for two days I feel 50. Seeing all that there is to do and be and see...I feel 18. I don't want to be one of those little old ladies in the red & purple hat groups. They seem to relish their old ladyness and I want to defy mine. Instead of retirement savings, maybe I will invest in TONS of plastic surgery. Probably not, but I will invest in moisturizer. It seems to be my best ally against aging or so the commercials say.

Thank you for listening David Bowie. I hope you don't mind that I write you a note periodically. You have always seemed wise and empathetic.
Always,
Lory
Age 51

And around and around we go...

*sigh* This is just exhausting isn't it? Start a blog, let the blog dwindle, then look it up and start it again. When will I just commit and get it done? It's SOOO much vanity don't you think? I read other blogs and, frankly, it's seems to be bored housewives, Moms, and people with an axe to grind. I am none on those but I do have a real need to write it all out. Click out some words and see what works. So here we go again... This time I just want to tell little stories. Maybe they will be funny. Maybe they will be poignant. But mostly they will be me, a lot of me.

They will mostly be true but names will be changed to protect the *ahem* innocent. I also will drop in a few writings that I've done in the past and reworked for this venue. Okay, now for the first story ~